From The Outside Looking In
by Caschjen
Summary: Danny reminisces on times when DJ was born, when he got that one fatal call about Pam's accident, and that moment when he realized exactly what Pam wanted him to do. Deathfic.


When Pam died, I felt as if my world was shattered. It was all so sudden, so unexpected, and I was so unprepared...

I remember that day as if it was yesterday. It had started out as a normal day. DJ had gotten up, I'd gotten up, and Pam had gotten up. Pam helped DJ get ready for school while I ate breakfast and drank my morning coffee. I remember that day. DJ looked so cute in that small, frilly adorable pale yellow dress and her hair in pigtails. Pam had really outdone herself that morning.

I hugged DJ and gave her a kiss, said goodbye to Pam and her her a short, chaste kiss, grabbed my briefcase and left for work. As I drove in my car, I kept reminiscing about old times Pam and I had spent together. Our first date, our first kiss, when I proposed to her, watching her walk down the isle, looking more beautiful than I had ever remembered her being...It all seemed so distant, yet so close, and I hated that feeling.

Why had I begun to think about these things of all the times, I hadn't a clue. But now looking back on it, I think that remembering on all the times we'd had together, it might have prepared me for Pam's death.

I remember that call. I remember the doctor's precise words when he called me and told me that Pam had been in a car crash. The car was totalled, he said, and Pam was in serious condition. He didn't think she would make it, but they were doing all the could.

...Then he told me that DJ was also in the car crash, but thankfully wasn't seriously hurt, despite a broken arm and a few cuts and bruises here and there. That was when my whole world nearly plummeted downwards. Both my daughter and my wife were in the hospital; one having a slim chance of making it through and one had a definite chance of making it through.

Why is life so unfair? They say hardships are supposed to make a person stronger, but said person must be ready for the pain that the strength brings. But sometimes, not everyone is prepared for that pain and hurt, just as I was, and so it takes them by surprise, just as it did me, and it hurts them deeply...Just like it did me. As they say, everything comes with a price, and strength is not ruled out. Sometimes, I just want to yell and scream and beat something in anger. I was hurt. But I kept reminding myself of how I had to be strong for my wife and my daughter, although that didn't help much. Pain is supposed to make you stronger, and looking back on it, I think it made me, as a person, stronger and wiser.

I remember holding my daughter in my arms for the first time. She was so small, so beautiful, so fragile. She was like an angel, bringing happiness to both my and Pam's lives. That moment was so special, and so crucial, it was a moment like no other. The moment I held her in my arms and looked into her beautiful blue**(1)**eyes and her head full of brown hair...It was the moment I became a father, and in some ways, it scared me. I didn't know if I was ready for this commitment, and I didn't know if I was mentally prepared...But as Pam and I, with our beautiful daughter Donna Joe, grew along with her, my confidence slowly redeemed itself.

I remember the time when I looked into Pam's eyes at the alter. They were full of big, salty tears, which unfortunately hid her beautiful, sparkling blue eyes. She was happy, I was happy; we were both happy together. Once she said "I do" and once I said, "I do", I knew that there was no turning back. Never having experienced any feeling of fear related to this before made me scared. Scared of commitment. It was then when I wanted to back out of everything, when I wanted nothing other than to go back home and sit in my room. But I knew that I couldn't. As if reading my thoughts, Pam grabbed my hand in a reassuring embrace and gave me one of her beautiful, pearly white smiles, and I knew everything was going to be okay.

I also happen to remember when I held my daughter DJ in my arms as my hand tightly clasped Pam's on her deathbed. She was pale and thin, and it hurt her to move. As I stared into her eyes, I saw fear and sadness. Fear of death and leaving the only family she had, and sadness of hurting us and the pain of leaving us forever. DJ was crying, I was crying; even Pam was crying in short, weak sobs. I completely lost it when Pam's grip loosened until it was nothing but her small, pale hand resting in my own. It was then then I knew that I couldn't move on, it was then that all I knew was the painful, heart-wrenching cries of myself and my daughter.

It was then that I suddenly realized what Pam had wanted me to do. She wanted me to raise our daughter, and raise her good, as if Pam herself was there helping me. It was then that I realized that God wanted this to make me stronger, mentally anyway. It was then that I realized Pam wouldn't want me or DJ to cry.

And it was then that I realized, Pam wanted me to move on.

* * *

(1): Does DJ have brown or blue eyes? o.o; I'm not sure, so I just put blue. xP

Anyway, this is set in such a form that Stephanie or Michelle were not born. It's kind of odd, yeah, but it was only at the end did I realize it was like this. xP So sorry!


End file.
